Updates for Tuesday, the 28th of July, 2015:
- Why I've Been Quiet
- A Book Synopsis
- On Reputation
- An Apology
- I Disagree
- Further Absence
I know I haven't posted or done much in the first half of the year. My apologies for that. I have been in therapy for over two years now, and progress is a bit slow. I guess that's partly my fault; I'll own my mistakes and poor choices. It's just a struggle because I suffer under a powerful belief that I'm worthless or some kind of screw-up. Part of the reason I'm still unemployed. So, it's hard not to blame myself for every crappy thing that happens in my life. Or be easy on my heart when it is my fault.
I'll do what I can to stay in contact and update people on my progress, but please understand if I keep the more intimate details private. I need to share them with people who I can trust not to backstab me, or at least in places where the public can't easily access them. I will make enemies once my writing career takes off, so I have to take precautions. This is nothing personal against anyone here. My closer friends are free to ask for details (provided I'm not tired of repeating myself, which is part of the reason for this journal). Everyone else will just have to settle for what I share in public postings. Part of being a professional, really. Might have to delete past journals if they become a problem.
All my Christian brethren are free to pray for me. Everyone else should stick to well-wishes. Paranoid, perhaps, but I'm not taking chances with a war going on. If you're unsure, just pray that the God of the Bible will speak into my life, whether I want to hear from him or not! I could really use his voice at this time of my life.
I'm writing a book! Probably closer to a novella in length, yet it's a book. Here's a synopsis.
Darcy isn't sure she wants to get back into the ring after her disastrous professional debut years ago. But her manager has convinced her to join a tournament being held to demonstrate a new technology meant to help save fighters from injury and death. Within the first fight, her dream of being a champion boxer are rekindled and she becomes eager to come out on top.
But a fighter's life is more than throwing punches, and as the tournament continues, Darcy faces doubt from both without and within. Can she make her dream come true? Or will she succumb to the wounds of her past?
Hope that catches your interest. I've almost got the first draft done, though I kinda fell off the horse for a while. Once it's done, I'll have to begin the long process of rewriting it. I wouldn't expect it to be out until next year, though I'll be doing all I can to bump the release date up. I'll have to throw a party when it's done.
I'm looking forward to having it done! Just gotta keep pushing and I'll be published! Yay!
I have a problem.
When I posted my various accounts on a forum, the fact that I'm on Inkbunny raised a few eyebrows. The website has a reputation. It pretty much was started as a response to Fur Affinity banning cub porn, as sort of a place for the "cub lovers" to gather after their exile (which was pretty much self-imposed, 'cause there's more to FA than cub porn), and continue to create and share their particular... fetish.
Can't say I feel that sorry for them. The stuff still gives me the creeps. And the more violent cub porn makes me want to "hoist the black flag and begin slitting throats." Papa Wolf don't take kindly to people who hurt children.
The problem is I need to think of my reputation. Yes, I like Inkbunny's tag system. I rather wish FA would steal and use it. I could block porn and let violent images through (blood and gore don't bother me that much, so long as it's not being sexualized or glorified), which I'm doing on Inkbunny right now. And I can also block things like diapers and violence against cubs in a way that they might as well not exist. It makes life a bit easier.
Yet I don't think I want that guilt by association. Yeah, it's unfair in many ways. I'm not into cub porn or even a lot of cub art (even the clean stuff seems off sometimes), yet how would people know that? Even if they don't assume I'm the sort to create or (ugh!) "enjoy" that stuff, they might assume that I'm okay with it existing. And I'm not. Much as I like not having to see it, it gives me pause. Because this problem isn't limited to Inkbunny or to cub porn. There's a lot in the furry fandom that I'm not okay with. Chief of which is the focus on porn. I know one furry artist made the point in a comic once. Anthropomorphic animals hold so much potential for just about anything; we even have people making races for tabletop RPGs.
And yet the furry fandom seems focused on taking these unique creatures, tearing off their clothes, and then mushing them together in various positions. It's like watching someone do the same with Ken and Barbie dolls, with the occasional superhero action figure thrown in for when they wanna get kinky.
I don't want that associated with my work. It's why I don't post erotica, and why I haven't written any in a long while. I don't want that reputation. Yet if I continue to stick my work on furry sites, am I not inviting people to make assumptions about me? Even if it's just the assumption that I'm okay with everything on that site?
Inkbunny's really the only one that really pushes the issue. At worst, FA doesn't offer filtering through tags, and you get the occasional submission with the wrong rating. SoFurry is geared more toward writers, and it probably has similar problems to FA, though I think they have some tag filtering. And Deviant Art isn't really a "furry" site, though there's plenty you could object to on there as well. But InkBunny is known for cub porn, and that might never go away. And I have to take that into consideration. Even if their in-browser reader is pretty good.
Plus, I can't change these things by myself. I'm too small and inconsequential. Maybe later on my writings, whether it's fiction or essays, I can have the clout to influence the furry fandom toward what I feel is a healthier direction. Right now? Best that I make the right decisions for my career. And I only joined Inkbunny because of someone that I might have been crushing on a bit (even if it was more of a "notice me senpai" kind of crush), and that crush is now dead. I have to think on what I need to do for my career, whether I need to leave Inkbunny or not.
In the end though, I think the real answer is a website of my own. Many authors do this; heck, all my favorites seem to. Except the dead ones, of course (and that's because I haven't gone looking). So, I need to get my own someday soon. It solves the reputation problem as I can control the content on it, and don't have to share room with stuff I find morally reprehensible. Cub porn, rape, snuff, all that stuff, it just won't be there. And while the server I end up on might have some "icky" stuff on it, you won't find it on my site. Not that people will find everything I write or create to be comfortable or enjoyable, but the things I don't want to be associated with will be removed from my work. You'd have to go looking for it to find it, and it won't be right next to my stuff.
So, we'll see. Those following me on Inkbunny, I apologize if I leave you. I have to do what's right for my career. And I don't think that site is something worth fighting for. Maybe if things change, I'll consider returning. Just don't hold your breath.
I have done wrong to many people. I have said and done things I should not have. I have left undone or unsaid things that should have been done or said. I have no excuse. I will only reject the blame for the things that are not my fault, whatever that might be. Even so, I know that I have hurt people, and for that I am sorry.
For the people I have seduced and the hearts I've broken, I am sorry.
For the times I have put being right before loving others, I am sorry.
For lashing out in frustration when I lose an argument, I am sorry.
For using my wounds and fears as an excuse not to help my friends, I am sorry.
For my arrogance in times good and bad, I am sorry.
For focusing too much on myself, I am sorry.
For not aiding a Brother or Sister in Christ when they needed me, I am sorry.
For condemning others to hell just becasuse they seem insistent on walking that direction, I am sorry.
For unfair judgment, I am sorry.
For the young men who needed direction I did not give, I am sorry.
For the women I treated more like objects than people, I am sorry.
For trading love for sex, or the reverse, I am sorry.
For being a "Peter Pan" instead of an adult, I am sorry.
For being unkind to myself, I am sorry.
For not believing what God has said to me, I am sorry.
For all I have done wrong, I am sorry.
I hope those I've wronged can forgive me. I pray for the strength to forgive those who've wronged me. And I also pray for the strength to forgive myself. Let God's healing flow into my heart and into those around me. Let me be a true follower of Christ, no matter the cost.
Forgive me, please. I am not perfect. I am wounded. And it will take a while to fix it all.
And I will do my best to treat you the same.
Those are words often used in conversations on controversial matters. Yet in recent years, I've noticed that these words invite the worst accusations from the opposition. It seems a more common occurance when someone disagrees with certain groups on the extreme political left in America. Perhaps my bias is showing, or there's just been a very vocal minority on that side ("Social Justice Warrior" has become a buzz word within the last year), yet that it happens at all is a cause for concern. More so when there's also ad hominem attacks and doxxing being used as dirty tactics to silence opposition.
But there's more than one controversial issue out there, and often more than one or two sides. And just because you get along well with someone doesn't mean they agree with you on everything.
So, let me be clear here: On certain religious and political matters, I will disagree with you. This does not, in fact, make me a horrible person, nor does it mean that I hate or fear a certain group or race. I have come to my beliefs through discussion and careful thought. While I can't claim they are infallible or totally correct, I'm not going to drop them just because someone doesn't like them. I can be stubborn, yes. But I am not beyond correction. Talk to me. Argue with me. If there's anything worth learning from you, I won't fail to remember it, and you might change my views on things. But if you yell at or bully me, you'll only succeed in silencing me, if that. I may just block you and move along.
You do yourself no favor by pushing your beliefs on me. I maintain that I have the right to disagree, regardless of what any court here on earth may say. I won't leave the country and I won't accept your views just because you bully me. If I'm persecuted for what I believe, I will ask God what to stand for and what to let go. Some things are worth the fight. Some are not. And I'm not meant to fight every battle on every issue. I have a purpose, and it's not to kowtow to every man or woman with a stick up their rear. You have no right to define me, unless you are God.
And if you're not God and do it anyway, I will give you into his hands. It seems the only right thing to do.
I disagree. If you don't like that, get over it. I have to do the same with celebrities I like every day.
On Thursday, the 30th of July 2015, around 1:00 PM (13:00) Central Time, I will be making a huge change in my life. Suffice to say, I won't have access to internet for a while. How long it will last, I don't know. If you need to contact me, please call or text me. If you don't have my number, you have until the above date and time to acquire it. If I don't give it to you, please trust that I have my reasons and it's not necessarily anything personal. I just prefer people I know and am close to.
It's going to be a big disruption. I may try to stay in contact with my Sunchasers group as I don't want to leave them in the lurch, but otherwise I'm not going to be around. I'm sorry if this causes problems to anyone, but this may be the only way I can beat my addictions and restructure my life into something better. The alternative is to stay in the rut and make half-hearted measures at change. And the longer I permit these behaviors to continue, the greater effect they will have on my character. I don't really want to become a bigger stereotype than I already am.
And who knows? Maybe when I get back, I'll be out of my parents' house, working again, and be that much closer to my dream of being published.
I'll see you all again soon, I hope. God bless and take care of yourselves.