Guess I should update people. Sorry for the quiet.Job Situation
Still in this stupid third shift job. Pays well, sure. Yet I'm sick of my schedule not matching up with others. I miss hanging out with family, even if I was still a recluse at times. Part of being an introvert, though that's no excuse for isolating myself. Also, my supervisor is still... difficult. I can't even relax around her. I'm tense all the time waiting for the bomb to drop. Tears are my soul and my emotions. It doesn't help at all that I get paralyzed with fear when I try to apply for a different job. Not sure where that's coming from, and most of the time I use what little free time I have (i.e. when I'm not eating, sleeping or working) more for entertainment than anything. Or just bummin' around online. Weekend nights get a bit lonely. Toonami is fun, but... I really miss hangin' with the local furs.
*sigh* I'll have to conquer this fear, somehow. Otherwise, I'll be stuck in this monotonous... existence is the best word. This isn't "life", I know that. Real life, like the kind God offers? It may not be comfortable, and sometimes I'm not sure I'm ready for it... but it's not boring, or miserable. If life in heaven were boring, I wouldn't look forward to it so much. Maybe I'll write something up on that sometime.
I'll break out though. I'm not sure how, but I will. In any case, this job has served its purpose. I have a new gaming rig (Borderlands 2 never looked so sweet. ^.^ Yay!), my finances are doing better, and it's nice to know I can pay rent, once I convince my parents to, y'know, actually charge me.
What can I say? They're a little lax on discipline sometimes. Parenting is hard, so I can't really blame them for everything. Life is more complicated than it first seems.Patreon
I'm looking into this. It would be nice to get paid for my real work, the work that's dear to my soul. The problem is I need to figure out rewards for my supporters. I also don't think it's wise to set up a monthly support option until I can learn discipline and start producing content on a consistent basis. Weekly, to be sure. I have the time; I just need to budget it. Which means giving up free time for it. That's the curse of being employed, really: you have less time to squander, so budgeting it is more important. And I haven't done that well.
So, until I get that squared away, and figure out decent rewards, don't line up at the door. Patreon seems like a good idea for me, yet I need to figure it out first. I think I'll stick to per-product payment in the beginning until I can get myself up and running. Do a little research too so I know what I'm getting into. If it means a little less time watching Toonami and playing my games, so be it. Gotta get started soon or I won't be anywhere in five years.Memory Quest
I haven't been lazing about though. Not in full. I started what I call a piece of Interactive Fiction, called Memory Quest. I can't really draw, so it's not quite the same as the various comics people post online, like Prequel or Ruby Quest, or even Homestuck (at least to begin with; I understand the author shut down suggestions later on). However, it's proven to be a success so far, even if my anxiety makes it hard to face the Walls of Text people keep posting (despite my explicit rules not to do that!!), and I have made a few mistakes along the way. I don't quite count it as normal writing since it's a bit different and the stuff is usually first draft quality. I don't think it's my best, though I try to keep up on it once a week or more. It's been a challenge, and yet...
I relish it. I've gotten a rush out of it at least once, and I want to see it through to the end. I've given up on so many things before, series I loved and knew then... and know now... would be good, if done right. And I just... don't see them through.
Heh. I guess, maybe what I need... is an eager audience. People leave so few comments on my work, but in this case, I'm guaranteed comments. If they want to see the story continue, they have to. We're almost to the end of the first chapter even, and it shows no sign of slowing down. I'm eager to follow this thing to the end.
...but you can't participate. You can't even read it, not yet. Not because of any insistence of mine, no; it's more a technical difficulty. You see, I started it on the RH Junior forums. You can't even see the forum the thread is on unless you meet two criteria:
1.) You have a registered account.
2.) You meet the required minimum number of posts.EDIT: Just found out that the Post Count Limit applies only to the Debate Hall. You can access Memory Quest if you like, but you'll still need to register. Registration requires knowledge of the comics to keep out the spam bots. Sorry for the mix-up!
I don't feel comfortable asking for an exception for my thread. I'm not sure how that'd work anyway; I'm a writer, not a coder. You can join if you like, but understand that these forums contain people who lean pretty much the opposite way of the furry fandom. There are furries there, some of them which lean Left (in American politics anyway) and there are some atheists/agnostics as well. Yet the majority are Conservative or Libertarian (or libertarian as some insist; they don't agree on some social issues with the "Big-L" types), and you could probably count the number of non-Christians in less time than the believers. That's not to say they aren't great people, nor do I want anyone reading this to be scared off. I'm just saying that, in a sense, you can't participate in Memory Quest until you prove yourself in the other forums.
And I'm fine with that. I love these people. It's sorta home to me, and while I don't always agree with them, and don't know how long I'll stay (never know when things will die, or the guy who brought us together with his work), I'm comfortable here. And it'd be too much trouble to move Memory Quest someplace else. However, I do plan on posting it elsewhere when it's finished. Maybe even as it's completed, one part at a time. I have plenty to post now, though I will have to figure out how to modify it so people can see it without breaking the code. That'll come later, but don't worry. You'll get to see it in time.
However, if you want to see it now, you'll have to prove you can get along with these people and follow the rules. Stay out of the Debate Hall if their politics and religion bother you too much. Be decent. If you can't manage that, then leave. The admins won't tolerate trouble, and while I can't say whether the rules are fair or not, they were made for a reason. If you find yourself getting hit with the Banhammer too much, you may want to leave it well enough alone. I will post Memory Quest for the wider public. Don't cause yourself and others unnecessary grief if interacting with the forum is too much trouble. Yet if you can tough it out and prove you can interact with... well, guess they're sorta my online "family" of sorts... then I figure you've earned the right to participate in Memory Quest.
And those of you reading this who already have an account on the RH Junior forums? Consider this an open invitation to participate. The more the merrier, though please do take it easy on me. ^.^;; I'm a little timid at the best of times... and I ran out of Kava Kava pills, so the anxiety still gets to me somewhat. I'll do my best, no worries! Just... please understand if updates get slow at times. Work can be a little harsh on my soul.Personal Concerns
As I said, my job is a little rough on me, and I ran out of the stuff that helps keep me stable. As such, things have been a little difficult as of late. I don't think I've been suicidal, yet I've had this annoying thought go through my head at least twice in the past week. Yes, it relates to suicide, yet I really have no desire to pursue it. I don't think I could bring myself to cut my own flesh anyway. I suspect demonic activity, though I can't confirm it. Got people on it already, so that helps. Also been dealing with a lie: That I'm not important. It's hard to fight that, especially when my family doesn't seem willing to help me out when I ask. Or at least, my parents gave up rather quick when it proved difficult for them. Yet when my brother and his wife need a babysitter, well...
*sigh* It's hard not to be bitter, really. Hard not to accept that I'm being "passed over" because I'm not successful yet. I don't know if they even know what they're doing, and I don't know how to word it. Plus, I hesitate to approach them face-to-face. I'm not really big on confrontation, even when it's to my benefit. So, I just... let things slide. Let them live their busy lives instead of persisting with my requests for help. Heck, I didn't even want to pick their minds. I just wanted someone to stay up and sit with me. Moral support, y'know? To say, "You're not alone in this. I care about you."
You can see how Mom telling me that staying up to help me apply for jobs "just doesn't work" because she and Dad are "tired" when I get up... would be rather soul-crushing. That it would tell me, "I'm not important." I kept repeating that lie when I broke down in the tub earlier in the week. And though I know it's a lie... I think it's wedged down deep in my heart. I'm not sure what is needed, yet I know I need to pursue this until the lie is gone. Otherwise...
...dunno. It'll be very hard to persist with such a lie wedged down so deep. I get tired. And I tend to retreat and hide away in pleasure and nonsense when that happens. I can't stay in this house forever, and I've already had suicidal thoughts this year, when the job got real tough on me. My parents won't let me quit until I get another job to replace this one, which doesn't help my nerves much. Not when the thoughts start whirling in my head. Still, they love me, and I dunno if I would've made it without my family. I'll have to figure something out.
Prayers are welcome, though I prefer Christian prayer only. Call it paranoia, but I don't trust other gods, whether they exist or not. My God has proved himself beyond any standard of mine. All others must be verified first.
Still, there is hope, and a clue to beating these lies. I get letters from Ransomed Heart, a Christian ministry started by John Eldredge. His books reignited my faith and gave me hope when even I had begun to feel my faith was empty, and was clinging on out of habit and my own promise to God. His latest one has an excerpt from an upcoming book, which seems more targeted at young men (as it seems now his sons are giving input/writing things for it this time around). This one was on identity. It was an account of how his son, Sam, went through Christian College and had a rough time of it 'cause he wasn't the "straight-laced" type. He kept acting up and getting in trouble with it... and getting shamed for it. A popular stick in many Christian schools, sad to say. He sat down with a couple friends later on to pray and figure things out, to see what he should do after college.
God said they were asking the wrong question.
Surprising, isn't it? In the church and on Christian radio, you often hear about God's will and seeking it, and praying for knowledge of what to do or say. But who would have thought God would tell anyone that asking for his will was the wrong question? I don't think I would have thought of it myself. I've prayed many times for God to just tell me what to do, where to go, hoping for some direction of some kind.
But what if that's not what God wants to talk about? If you're avoiding or ignoring the right topic, no wonder if God refuses to speak. So, what question did God want to hear from Sam?
"Who am I to you?"
You'll pardon me if I choke up a bit, 'cause this hit home in a big way for me. And I've realized that I'm going through the same thing. I've been a wanderer, a screw-up, a lay-about. I've believed horrible, awful things about myself, things that are probably keeping me in this miserable job. Things that whisper I should just give up and go back to my old life of unemployment and self-loathing. To stay in comfort and not try. Things that say, "You just don't have what it takes. Why even spend the energy? Why try?"
It's... crushing. It makes me just want to curl up in my room, block the door, and sleep until the whole world is dust and ash. Where the only hope is God killing me in my sleep as a final act of mercy. A rather sad end to a story where I haven't even gone through real bad stuff like some have.
I think this is where the real battle lies, where I should be fighting. If I can't figure out who I am, if I can't find the identity God made for me, then the rest is pointless. I will never have the strength for life. It won't happen all at once, no. And I've already been given ideas for where to start looking, a long time ago. Now I must pursue it so that I can know who I am and start taking steps toward it.
One part of this process is figuring out who Bandit is. I made this fursona for a reason, for a purpose. He's supposed to be an ideal to strive for. Yet he's so... ill-defined. I haven't really thought of what I want him to be, or what he should be. If he's meant to be a reflection of myself... erf. I don't know myself well enough yet. So that will take some work. I know something of what he's not. Or rather, what I'm not. But that doesn't help very much. I've got to figure out who I am and how Bandit figures into things, if at all. I can't say the Furry Fandom quite fits into the kind of life I imagine for myself. And I'm not sure if I'd want to expose my kids to it or not. But then, one thing at a time: gotta get married first, right? In any case, I've done this weird exercise as of late. A sort of "putting Bandit on" in a mental sense. And it feels... good. Weird, but good. Comfortable, in a way, though I'm unsure if it will help or hinder or is just some weird thing I do. I guess we'll see.
Pray I can learn who I am, and soon. I feel it may be the breakthrough I've been hoping for. Though if that's not what God wants to talk about... pray I'll be willing to listen, no matter how difficult it is to hear.
I guess that's all for now. Thanks for reading, and God bless.